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Category Archives: LIfecycle

Bitul HaYesh: Spiritual Transperancy

01 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by rebahir in Family, LIfecycle

≈ 4 Comments

ImageThe Bitul
Bottle
Shabbos can be so sweet. Every week for about
14 years I have studied with  my Rebbe and friend.  For
the past few years, I have picked him up at 0800hrs. We chat and
laugh and I have the honor and pleasure of going with him to the
home of a friend and we study for a couple of hours and then go and
daven. It is a routine and ritual that is comfy and joyful. As part
of the ritual, my belovedest (my wife, partner and friend) puts a
bottle of lavender water in the cup holder for ‘da Rebbe’ He laughs
and blesses her in abstentia, reminding me again of how special she
is. Of late I have received a powerful reminder (though none was
needed) of how incredibly special she is to me. She has been
diagnosed with cancer. We are supporting her as she goes
through this procedure that will אי׳ה cure her. She and we who love
her so much are sometimes filled with worry and fear and anger, all
the emotions that I have seen and through which I have counseled
others. We reach out to the Wholly One of Being. And we discover G
in some wild and wonderful places. One of those places is an empty
bottle. The Shabbos after we learned the frightening news that my
belovedest has cancer of the throat I showed up at my Rebbe’s home
to go and study and daven. As always and despite the devastating
revelation of the week, my belovedest, as she does on every
Shabbos, sent along a bottle of Lavender water. The Rebbe’s
reaction this time was different. When I handed him the bottle as
is our ritual, he took it in his hands, bowed his head and
whispered prayers. I could not hear most of what he said, though I
think that I heard the words רפואה שלימה   (Refuah
Shlemah – a harmonious and complete healing) in his prayers. 
Was it my imagination that his eyes were moist? He turned to me and
gave me my ‘marching orders’. I was told to take the bottle back to
Hedvah and she was to drink it. When I returned home, I handed it
to my confused wife. When I explained what our Rebbe had said and
done, she was moved by his gesture. She went into the Sukkah, sat
quietly for a while and drank the water that had been blessed by
Reb Zalman. I wish that I could say that she was miraculously
healed, but that is not the way of things. I have faith that, after
the many weeks of excruciatingly painful radiation treatments, she
will be healed and whole. After drinking the water under the leafy
canopy of the Sukkah she put the bottle in the Sukkah where it
remained for the rest of Sukkot. Sukkot has ended. The ‘walls’ and
frame are put away. The etrog and lulav are placed pleasingly to
the eye around our home. And the bottle remains, a personal
reminder in our home of faith and hope and love. Now this amazing
woman is facing this terrible test. This אשת חיל  this warrior
woman, woman of valor is frightened. She is not afraid of the
worst. Her real fear is to be a burden. She, who is always
concerned with the needs of others, is still concerned with the
needs of others. She doesn’t want to ask for help. She doesn’t want
to put us in a difficult position. Her faith in HaShem is so deep
that this test is not a challenge to that faith. Instead there is a
(and I feel strange saying this) beauty that radiates from deep
inside. She is transparent. In
Kabbalah there is an amazing concept: ביטול היש.  It is
usually translated as the nullification of the self before G. Our
Rebbe interprets it as making our souls transparent before G.
During this terrible trial we who love her and are here to support
my belovedest are becoming more aware of this transparency. I
believe that every experience in life is a test and a lesson. We
take the tests and in time the lessons present themselves. In this
case, with this woman, a few of the lessons are becoming visible
through her through her transparency, to me. And every day I give
thanks for her presence in my life and the blessings that she
embodies. As we move forward, I will be writing about the challenge
that my belovedest I facing and the lessons that we are learning
from tests taken. You can find updates on this blog, the page Hedvah: Our Joy.
One of these lessons is the humility to ask. I have trouble asking.
Even now as I write this, I am having trouble formulating the
words. Since Hedvah is going through this long and painful
procedure, we are in need. We need your prayers and good thoughts.
And we need Tzedaka. The expenses of returning to health are
staggering. And there are the day to day expenses of life for a
family that is experiencing anything but day to day life. Anything
that you, who are reading, this could contribute would mean so much
to us. Tax deductible
contributions can be made to: NCHD
Mark in the lower left corner “Davis
family”
Send to: Eve
llsen
1720 Lehigh St.
Boulder, CO 80305

 

scribbling upon a dream

22 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by rebahir in Hasidut, Holidays, LIfecycle, spirit guide

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

dreams, Huppah, Mikvah, ritual purity, spiritual imagination, spirituality, Sukkah, Wedding

I had a dream the other night. In the dream I woke up to see my wife sitting on the porch supervising the building of a Mikvah, a Sukkah and a Huppah. Let us put aside the fact that our tiny yard does not have room for more than a small Sukkah and that we rent and such innovations would not find favor with our landlords.

Why in my dream were these three Jewish symbols being built? Sukkot has just ended and every year with the help of wonderful friends I build a ramshackle Sukkah. We had just taken our Sukkah down so that might be part of the reason for that symbol. My beloved, brilliant and beautiful daughter has recently become engaged to a very nice Jewish man who is intelligent and giving and kind and loves her very much. So, symbol number two, the Huppah has a reason. I suppose that since we use the Mikvah before holidays, Shabbos and weddings there is a reason for the Mikvah. But why all three in the same dream?

I have taken many courses in psychology, but I am certainly no psychologist. I should probably try to stay away from trying to find some deep psychological reason. I am a Rabbi and I am blessed with a certain amount of spiritual imagination and that is the direction that my mind has taken.

 

The three symbols in my dream have certain characteristics in common. They each, architecturally speaking are parts of a whole. The Mikvah has walls and a bottom or floor but no top. The Sukkah has walls but no complete top. The Huppah has a complete top but no walls. Each has parts but is not ‘complete’ and yet each fulfills its purpose that helps to complete us.

THE MIKVAH

The Mikvah is usually spoken of in terms of ritual purity. But the Mikvah touches me in a different wayA woman traditionally goes to the Mikvah ‘periodically’ and after a birth. Men and women go before Shabbos and holidays, after coming in contact with a dead body (washing the body of one who has passed) and before their wedding. Men were supposed to go to the Mikvah after what the Talmud calls a ‘nocturnal emission’ which is not car trouble at night. There are more times that people go to a Mikvah as I am sure others will share in their comments, but this will do for my point. For me the Mikvah is a tool to ease our spiritual vulnerability and in seeking spiritual balance. The best way to explain this is with a personal example. I was asked to do a funeral by a member of my Reform congregation in Florida. Though he was not a traditional Jew in any understanding of that word, he wanted the funeral of his father to be “Orthodox.” Though I have studied with Rabbis of every movement, or maybe because of that, I conferred with Orthodox and Hasidic Rabbinic colleagues to make sure that I could fulfill the wishes of my congregant in a conscious and conscientious manner. Of course part of the process is Taharat HaMaet includes washing the body. It happened to be a Friday morning and I performed the ceremony with the help of others with the funeral director standing outside the room. After finishing the washing I left others to sit and be with the body as I had to prepare for Shabbos and Erev Shabbat services in the Reform synagogue. I should say that since, in this town in Florida, we were the only shul there was no Mikvah. I phoned the police and asked if there was any ‘privateish’ beach where I could go into the ocean naked. After I explained, why and that I was not a naturist looking to go skinny-dipping, the sympathetic officer told me of a beach that was unpopulated and rarely used. After washing the body I went to that place and, in private, did the ritual. My Reform background was saying; why am I washing, I am not unclean. But there was a deeper place, beyond movement that replied, this is not about cleanliness but the feeling ofbeing vulnerable and off-balance in a spiritual way. That night I was going to lead services, hold the Torah read and chant prayers and I needed something to help me feel less vulnerable in a spiritual manner. Not that I did not want to be vulnerable to G, quite the contrary, but I needed to be less vulnerable to the physical/spiritual acts of touching life and death. And it worked. I felt less vulnerable and more balanced.

THE SUKKAH

The Sukkah with its walls and open to the stars ceiling is another connective device for our spiritual/physical being and well-being. There is mystery and wonder and awd as we stand under the open covering and shake the Lulav and Etrog in the 6 directions. This year a man who follows the spirit path of the Lakota brought his pipe which is smoked and raised in the same six directions and he did his ritual in tandem with ours. The Sukkah itself is a threefold memory peg that balances us. There is the agricultural memory of people building Sukkot to rest in the noonday sun from our ingathering of the crops. It is the historical memory of the wilderness experience that built us as a people who has withstood the vicissitudes of history, keeping faith with our G our and the covenant, formed over those 40 years. And the Sukkah is a poor person’s shelter a reminder that there are people for whom this is not a temporary memory peg shelter but their lives. There are poor and needy and we are responsible. It is a Mitzvah, part of our minimum daily requirements for a spiritually meaningful and balanced life.

THE HUPPAH

The Huppah, which has a top but is open on all sides, speaks to another area of spiritual balance. Many speak of it as Avraham and Sarah’s tent that was open on all sides so that travelers could be seen and invited into the safe space of their tent. I like to think of it as a way of setting up a new home in a public manner, with the entire tribe, a spiritual barn raising. Yes there are private times but the Huppah represents a place and a time or a place in time in which two people publicly articulate what they have already felt and shared and expressed in private. The Huppah is a shelter, symbolic of a G shelter of balance between the physical and the spiritual of life. It is also the joining of the two through the One who is always part of any loving relationship. The Huppah is the act of making sacred, less spiritually vulnerable and more spiritually balanced the relationship of loving partners.

The three symbols in my dream were about what is happening in my life, my own vulnerability and search for balance in my physical/spiritual life.

 

Jews do not have a life cycle, we have a life spiral

03 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by rebahir in Hasidut, LIfecycle

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

mysticism

The Life Spiral of a Jew

In Judaism, we start not with birth but before birth and appropriately with the murky mists of myth.  We are taught that before we are born we are taught all the secrets of life, the universe and everything.  Then, just after our soul is poured into the fetus, we are touched just under the nose which forms the philtrum under the nose and we forget.  That might be the first of our life spiral ceremonies.

You ask why I call it a life spiral instead of a life cycle?  The answer is a matter of perspective.  If one looks down upon a spiral one sees a circle for all of the cycles are one on top of the other hiding the one beneath the one above.  If one looks at that same spiral from the side, one sees a line and no circles at all.  Life is all about perspective.  Let us look first down upon the spiral and see a circle a cycle of life.

In Judaism we celebrate moments along the cycle of life.  We start with birth, that joyous moment of beginnings.  It is the original ‘coming out ceremony.’  The first born, that is the first to come out of the womb is given a special ceremony called Pidyon HaBen or Peter Rehem, the opening of the womb.  We attach this newness to an ancient custom.  Money is given to a Cohen one of those whose ancestors served in the Temple of old.  This custom serves as a memory peg, a dowel that glues us to our past as we begin our future in this moment.

The next ceremony takes place in eight days if the child is male and 28 days (a moon cycle) if the child is female.  The former is a very ancient and lovely if barbaric ceremony while the latter is a new attachment to the parade of life cycle ceremonies.  A boy who survives a week is brought into the covenant of Judaism with a Brit Milah, literally a ‘contract of circumcision.’  The foreskin of the boy is removed with great ceremony and a drop of blood.  Many reasons are offered for this tradition but they all pale, as do some of the guests and parents at the ceremony, compared to the stark reality that it is an ancient ceremony of bringing our sons into the contract, indeed cutting the contract with G, the Jewish tribe and this boy.   It is a fact of ancient history that there was no ceremony in ancient times for female children.  I will not go through the mental gymnastics of justification.  It did not exist, but now it does.  In ancient times we acted much as ancient people did, this is no surprise.  Now we have added a meaningful moment for women children.  It is called by many different names, Brit Bat, the covenant of women is most accepted, but in my opinion the best name is Brit Levanah, the covenant of the moon.  Based on the Midrash that women were given the moon festivals by G for their act of faith at the shameful time of the Golden Calf incident.  Connected to that is, of course, the relationship between the monthly cycle of women and the cycle of the moon.  This ceremony offers the parents and planners more creativity for gathering than does the ceremony for boys and this is fitting.  Women in Judaism are the creative ones, who perforate tradition and gather in as the term for female, Nekavah implies.  Men are the ‘rememberers’ as the term for male, Zachar means.

For some of our tribe there is a ceremony when a boy gets his first haircut.   For some there is a ceremony when a child begins to study, to read Jewish texts and stories.  This involves sweets in one form or another accompanied by the words:  “It is sweet to study the words of Torah!”

The next ceremony that is familiar to all is the Bar or Bat Mitzvah at age 13 for a boy, and 12 for a girl (for as any woman will tell you, girls mature faster than boys).  Again this originated with a son (Bar) coming to the age of responsibility (Mitzvah).  In this century with the liberal movements within our tribe, a daughter (Bat) was acknowledged as having come into an age of responsibility (Mitzvah) as well.  Originally (and one must be careful using that word as what was original may be lost in the ancient time) a boy was brought to the Bimah (that elevated place in the Synagogue where Torah was read) to give a blessing before and after the reading of Torah.  This was the announcement that he was of age to be called upon to help the tribe in religious and communal activities.  Over time this ceremony has gained in pomp and circumstance so that now, in many cases and in every congregation where I have been the Rabbi, the Bar Mitzvah, leads the entire service in our ancient spirit language of Hebrew.  He reads and translates or chants and translates Torah for the congregation.  And of equal importance, he give us a teaching on Torah that is original to him.  A Bat Mitzvah follows a similar pattern in the liberal movements of Judaism.  In Orthodoxy the Bat Mitzvah will not lead the congregation in worship, as that is not a Mitzvah for women according to them.  She might give a teaching after services in the tradition of the Maid of Ludmir (Hanna Rachel Werbermacher; 1805-1892), who was a learned scholar and teacher.  In many cases, the Bar or Bat Mitzvah is followed by a large party that unfortunately overshadows the power of the teachings.

In liberal circles the next step in the cycle of life is confirmation.  This is a direct take off of the Christian custom and is a way to encourage Jewish children to stay in religious school.  There is a ceremony at the end of one or two years of study in which the group leads services for the congregation.

The next in the cycle is a ceremony of joining, the wedding ceremony.  A couple is joined together by contract filled with promise, called a Ketubah.  There ceremony is held under a Hupah or canopy that represents their new life together.  They break a glass as if to say, ‘into every life some rain must fall’ and the friends and family respond “Mazal Tov,” which is a mixture of congratulations and wishes for G’s good fortune upon them.  They spend some time alone, which in ancient times was for consummation of the wedding, while today it is a private moment for them to catch their breath and nosh before the festivities.

In some cases there is the unfortunate need for the ceremony of divorce.  This is the process of a Gett.  A Gett is a writ of divorce.  Guys give Getts, gals get Getts.  In a Gett the man frees the woman from the contract of marriage.  Again as we have grown as a tribe, liberals have added an aspect to the ceremony.  Now gals give Getts as well and guys get Getts too.  They free each other.  In some cases, if the couple is wise they will seek ‘Gett councilling,’ so that they may soften the pain of the dissolution.

The last formal ceremony of this cycle of Life is death and burial and bereavement.  I do not know of any culture, tribe, or faith that frames this process in such a compassionate and psychologically sound manner.  From the moment of death, there are rituals to guide those who have lost a loved one.  When the passing comes, the body is immediately removed from the bed and placed on something other than the furniture of the living.  The body is bathed and prepared by friends with appropriate prayers and words of comfort for the ones who are doing the preparation as well as to the body of the one who has passed.  The funeral takes place as fast as possible allowing for all who may attend to be in attendance.  Even in this day and age, in most traditional burials, the people in attendance at the funeral do the actual burying.   Shovel after shovel of earth is poured down upon the coffin (where allowed, no coffin is used so that the body may return to the earth as soon as possible).  In liberal circles everyone places at least some dirt into the grave.  The sound of the dirt hitting the coffin has the effect of jolting us into the reality of that which we would rather not accept.  The first week is called Shiva meaning seven.  During that time the mourner mourns. Traditionally s/he does not bathe or wear perfumes nor sits on comfortable furniture.  People do not knock on the door nor greet, they simply enter and do what they can for the people mourning.  After the week is up, coverings for the mirrors are removed, mourners go back to work but do not involve themselves in merrymaking for a month.  After a month they begin to put their normal lives back together while refraining from major events such as getting married or celebrating a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.  At the end of a year, the headstone is set on the grave.  Kaddish, a special prayer of praise for G, which has been said daily, will no longer be said except on the anniversary of the passing.  The official mourning process is at an end.  This is a guide for the mourner to allow all feelings of loss to move from being central in the mourners’ every moment to a place deep in their hearts where memory can bring laughter and joy rather than just pain and sorrow.

This is the cycle of Jewish life.  But it does not end there.  For our tradition speaks of an afterlife of which we know nothing.  It is all a matter of faith.  Some in our tribe speak of a form of reincarnation.  In all aspects of our tribe, an afterlife is discussed, referred to as the Olam HaBah, the World To Come.  In any event, it is a tribal belief that there is life after death and that the circle of life never ends.  A newborn child is often given the name of an ancestor who has passed and the Spiral of Life continues.

Mumbai, Kislev and Hanukah

04 Thursday Dec 2008

Posted by rebahir in Holidays, Jewish months, LIfecycle, Thoughts

≈ 1 Comment


Kislev is a dark month. The days get shorter the nights longer. In Israel it is cold and wet. And yet Kislev is the month of hope. Within Kislev, at the end of Kislev, falls the holiday unique not only in Judaism but in history. We call it the festival of light. Some think that is because of the Hanukiah the 8 branch Menorah with the bright little Shamash in the middle. But the Hanukiah came later. No the light that is Hanukah has to do with an ideal, the ideal of religious liberty. When the Greeks conquered Israel there was no fight. When they imposed taxes, we did not complain. When they brought their culture to our shores some embraced it. After all who could complain of hot tubs? The Greek games interested some of our people as did the clothing and language and the philosophy shared. Some objected to the price of admission, the libation offering to the Greek gods. Some shook their heads at the proliferation of idols of Greek gods and statues of naked men. But that did not cause the war against the Greeks. We went to war when they entered our Temple, when they sacrificed pigs on our alters to their gods. We went to war when our religious liberty was outlawed. Hanukah celebrates the only war in history fought only for religious liberty. We were not fighting for independence or against Greek culture. We fought for freedom to worship our G in our way without interference.

This year, at the beginning of Kislev they came again to defile our place of worship, this time in Mumbai India. Reports say that there were 9 or 10 places targeted for death and destruction. Only one was a religious institution, the Habad house. In that house were rooms for weary visitors, kosher food for guests, a shul for worship and a couple, 29 and 28 who ran the house and opened its doors to anyone in need of sustenance, physical or spiritual. When, in Mumbai, terror broke out, terror broke into the Habad house targeting Jews. Rabbi Gavriel Holtzberg, 29, and his 28 year old wife Rivka were slaughtered. Their son, Moshe whose birthday came but a day later, was rescued by Sandra Samuel, an Indian nanny who worked there for years. She found him crying beside his parents’ bodies, his pants drenched in blood. Some 2000 years after the Greeks defiled our Temple with blood; terrorists came again and defiled our Temple with blood.

Rabbi Yehuda Krinsky, chair of education arm of the Habad movement which includes the shlichim such as Reb Gabby Holtzberg and Rebbetzin Rivka Holtzberg (A’H) gave the Jewish response to the darkness of terror and repression, a response as old as Hanukah itself. He said: “We call upon all Jewish women and girls to brighten the profound darkness the world is witnessing and usher in Shabbat by lighting the Shabbat candles.” When the darkness of Kislev comes, when the darkness of terror, of religious hatred and intolerance threaten our world, we do not curse the night nor do we hide from the fight. We light the lights of freedom and tolerance of hope and holiness.

I know not what your personal custom is. But you might consider adding the lighting of Shabbos lights as a tribute to the people, not just the Jews, but all of the, over 180, slaughtered in the name of religious intolerance. When the darkness falls we must light.

This is the season of Hanukah the festival of lights. Each year we light our candles sing our songs and give our gifts. This year let us reflect the light of the Hanukiah on the events of this month; events from ages ago, events from days ago. Let this Hanukah be a time of renewal and rebirth, a time of hope and a time of light. And let every Shabbat be a small reminder of the great challenge that we face, to light our lives, to lighten the burden of fear and hatred and enlighten a world torn by violence and intolerance.

Blessings and challenges: Jacob and Esau

25 Tuesday Nov 2008

Posted by rebahir in LIfecycle, stories, Thoughts, Torah Portion

≈ Leave a comment


Sometimes parents are blind. We can be blind to the blessings and failings our children. We want the best for them and, of course, we KNOW what is best for them. Sometimes, when one parent does not see, the other sees clearly. That is our story this week. Yitzhak is blind to the strengths and weaknesses of his two sons. He sees his strong, outgoing, warrior son Esav as the wise choice to become leader of the tribe, to receive the blessing of tests and lessons. He sees his softer, gentler, quiet son Yaakov as the weak choice. He does not see the wily ways of Yaakov blossoming into wisdom. He only sees the hairy strong arm of Esav who will bring meat to the table.

Rivkah sees things differently. She will use the wily ways of Yaakov to secure the blessing of tests and lessons for him. She sees that in the future, the thorny path of Yaakov’s guile will blossom into the thirteen petalled rose(1) of wisdom for the tribe.

Esav has shown his short-sightedness by selling his soulful soul-food birthright to his brother for physical sustenance. This is not the one to lead a people to holiness. And so, Emah(2) Rivkah devises a plan. Yaakov puts on the outer garb of the mighty Esav and Yitzhak, blinded by the might gives Yaakov the blessing/challenge of leadership. Yaakov is promised the dew of Heaven, the ‘do’ of G. If he can teach people the path of blessing, then they will be blessed, but if people can only find the path of curses then they will be cursed. The blessing is the challenge.

There is no getting around the fact that wily ways become thorny thoroughfares on the path to wisdom. This too is part and parcel of the blessing/challenge of Yaakov.

Yitzhak says as much to his older, warrior son Esav. The traditional translation of Gen. 27:35 is: “Your brother came with cleverness and took your blessing!” And the root ‘RMH’ blossoms into a thornbush; ‘Mirmah’. Some will translate this as deceit and delusion. One is aimed outward the other inward. Others will call Mirmah shrewdness, which can be shallow or deep. Rivkah sees the depth that will be, but Esav in his shortsighted seething, sees only the slight against him by his brothers slight of hand.

A father’s torment at the tears of his child, brings Yitzhak to give a blessing to Esav. The blessing starts on a similar path to that of Yaakov, but roars with an anguished anger as he calls out: “By your sword shall you live!” The blessing contains the curse, for if one lives by the sword others must die by the sword.

And so two brothers are given the blessing/challenge according to their ways. And the trails they will follow lead both to the heights and depths of human path.

(1) see the book of the same name by Adin Steinsaltz
(2) Emah means mother

What is RMH?

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